You fondle my trigger then you blame my gun...

I discovered I really like how each of the factions in Cyberpunk 2077 have their own unique aesthetic. For the longest time, it was the NCPD. Later, the 6th Street Patriots. Even as far back as Wizard 101 I preferred the look of a uniform in my characters - all my girls wore Samurai armor - then later in Pirate 101 I was obsessed with the Marleybone Colonial Naval uniform - all my girls wore that as well. The NCPD of course is in uniform, but with Sixth Street they were all veterans, so had the military look and feel to their outfits. When the DLC was released, I eventually became enamored of Barghest - the toxic bluish yellow contrasting their black garb was just gorgeous in my opinion. As often happens, once I did absolutely everything I could think of to exploit that, I needed to move on. Trauma Team was the next with their bluish green uniform color palette blended with dark turquoise and white - not to mention the paramilitary design and pattern. Aesthetic.

From my last post on the subject, "My first Trauma Team video was shot very nearly frame-for-frame to mimic the first season opening titles of Grey's Anatomy, but I wished to inject some drama to match the vibe. Thing is, I suck at drama. The end result was the conversation between the Night City Police Department dispatcher, and the Trauma Team dispatcher at the beginning of the video...which turned out to be everyone's favorite part, so I kind of just ran with that. The next two videos explored that relationship..."

Feeling particularly conflicted one night (or perhaps simply frustrated), I authored their break-up. It was heart wrenching and gives me goosebumps to this day. Not so much for their story, but my own - despite not originally being a 1:1 blueprint to my experience, it was in part drawn upon heavily. The next one however? Moreso. Only two months passed between the two, but it feels instead like two lifetimes have passed.

Mostly I'm frustrated. Frustrated with my inability to let things go which do not serve me coupled with my inability to hold onto and appreciate the things which might. Its a whole vibe.

Living authentically is powerful because it offers the freedom to be fully ourselves without anyone ever having to accept us as we are. Awkwardly, living our authentic selves is contradictory to demanding others accept our authentic selves - they are at odds. They are at odds because if we set the expectation that others allow us to live as we choose, and with the choices we make, it stands to reason we would also hold the assumption we would allow others to live as they chose, and with the choices they make. Were we to only have the expectation without the assumption, we open ourselves up to being in an indefensible position - for how can we truly hold expectations of others we don't hold for ourselves? I call this the level playing field - the rules we set remain constant for how we are to treat others, otherwise an imbalance will occur. Imbalance may sound benign, but it is within that balance of reciprocity we find peace.

If we truly believe that we should decide which behaviors we will tolerate, we must give others the freedom to choose whether or not to tolerate our behavior. Demanding otherwise is akin to allowing others to demand we tolerate theirs - basically dismantling the entire idea surrounding boundaries. This places them on a level playing field as well. While it would be nice if everyone respected our own to the same degree we respected theirs, in no universe are we allowed to demand respect for ours while not simultaneously respecting the ones others have themselves set - yes, whether we like it or not, agree with it or not, or even understand it or not. This is how boundaries work, especially if we wish ours to be respected. Sure we can make those demands, but we will quickly find we've broken any trust we may have had, and once again place ourselves in an indefensible position which leads to imbalance and lack of peace. Fortunately, the solution is actually as easy as it sounds: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

If all this talk of boundaries and authenticity sound confusing, there's a short, easy litmus test which can help gauge where we are in the process, and it is simply this - if living unapologetically authentic brings peace, joy, and happiness, it is being practiced properly. If however living unapologetically authentic continuously places us in precarious positions which do not bring peace or joy or happiness, we need to re-evaluate.

No matter the duration or intensity of any online relationship - be it romantic or friendship, meeting someone in person for the first time can be an interesting and unique experience. The advent of video chatting can provide us previews into things like mannerisms, speaking volume and patterns, and excitability or response - but not usually the full tangibility of energy and intensity which can differ significantly in person than in online interaction. While none of these things individually may be overly impactful, collectively they may prove to be initially overwhelming or disappointing.

Adding to the complexity of navigating these types of relationships is our internal, subconscious expectations of others and how that interaction will unfold. Not just the surface of confirming they are who they say they are, but are they who we believe them to be? And that comes down to our own perception. Everyone with whom we interact is perceived through our own unique filter, which colors those expectations. It basically falls under the Law of Averages on whether or not that meshes with our expectation of them, as well as their expectations of us - for this dance is bi-directional; we ourselves are likewise being colored through their individual filters and expectations - so while they may indeed meet ours, there's an equal probability we won't meet theirs. Yes it can be disappointing for us when those we finally meet in person fall short or what we wished, but I imagine it's also disappointing for them. Understanding this dynamic makes it easier to navigate. The only real, workable solution is to always be kind no matter what and never fall into the trap of fault and blame, for a whole host of very important reasons.

We can never say that we are accurately who we claim to be since we have zero insight into the expectations of others, nor see ourselves through their filter. This is precisely why we meet people in person, and is how interactions have taken place since we slithered out of the primordial ooze and began interacting with one another. Also why it sounds so very foolish to point the finger and "blame" someone else for those interactions not going well - it is basically saying, "You didn't meet my expectations." That being a valid statement, who ultimately is responsible for setting and managing those expectations? Spoiler alert, it's not the other person. ALL relationships are expectation management.

This next part is three-fold with no order of prioritization and requires a little work to overcome: Every time we choose to utilize fault and blame as a coping mechanism, we reinforce it, and reinforcement of immature coping mechanisms which are ineffective help keep us in an unhealed state which ultimately leads to our own unhappiness. We see joyful, successful people and may wonder why we seem to struggle comparatively. Blaming and faulting others plays a part in this. It also reinforces victim mentality. We can never break free from victim mentality as long as we continue to fault and blame others for where we find ourselves; that's not even accidentally how life works. We are where we are for two very important reasons: Our choices, and our ability to comprehend how life works. Fault and blame are nothing more than ego, and the universe abhors ego to the point it will often compensate to correct. These can be very harsh lessons. Being ego-centric of course leads to fault and blame being a rather glaring narcissistic tendency. Not everyone who utilizes fault and blame is going to be a textbook narcissist obviously, but as a key indicator, it becomes increasingly difficult to separate the two if it becomes our primary coping mechanism.

Many of us choose to distance ourselves from those who embrace victim mentality, those who display narcissistic tendencies, and those who utilize ineffective, maladaptive coping mechanisms. Fault and blame embody all of these things.