Spokes
Dec. 18th, 2025 07:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ehowtonEarly on I pointed out - and much to her surprise - that the things Jennifer expressed about herself aligned lockstep with those who embraced the poly lifestyle; a smattering of men surrounding her, each who filled a specific need within her kaleidoscope as well as a penchant for transparency, vulnerability, reciprocity, all built upon heaps of communication. I've always thought the word, "harem" had a feminine sound to it but when I looked up the word for a reverse harem (a woman who maintained a glut of men) I discovered the term for that was, "reverse harem" lol. Irregardless of nomenclature, in attempting to illustrate the concept without wading into the baggage the word, "poly" holds for far too many people, I used a wagon wheel. With her as the hub, and each of the men in her life as one of the many spokes required for smooth operation.
Concerning her new guy friend, I started with the premise, "Do you feel that any one person can fill all the spokes all of the time?" The answer was (thankfully), "Of course not!" Excellent. I followed this with three questions, all built upon the first: "Which spoke do you see yourself filling?"
"All of them!"
Hrm.
"How do you see yourself fitting into her life with the current illustration?"
"Dual-hubs!"
...
Let's start over. "What do you want to bring to her life?" His eventual answer seemed clear enough. So time for the second question: "How? How do you see that manifesting in such a way that it becomes apparent?" He wasn't sure, but he was fairly certain those things didn't just appear out of nowhere (and I agreed). Last question, "Why? Why do you want to fill those spokes?" I know he answered the question, but neither of us remember what it was.
Poly as a lifestyle has nothing at all to do with sex, or even love. It has to do with communication, and boundaries, and consent. My last polyamorous relationship I was monogamous for a decade. Why? Because it has nothing at all to do with sex, and everything to do with respect. And trust. My next partner - whomever she may be - is going to be filled in such a way from the benefit of my experience there's no telling what she'll be able to accomplish. And I find that exciting beyond words. I can't wait to find her.
Hallmark
Dec. 16th, 2025 09:37 amehowtonMet a lady from Ellinwood on FB Dating.
She wanted someone with whom to spend the holidays.
I signed up for that.
Suggested a coffee date.
She agreed.
She suggested a phone conversation prior to the coffee date.
I set one up.
She shared a little about herself in chat.
I shared a little about myself in chat.
She decided I was, "out of her league" and called everything off. She was simply looking for someone with whom to spend the holidays.
I sat with that a bit.
Thought about leaving it alone.
It really wasn't worth my pressing it.
But I get it.
Nonetheless I replied, "It was a pleasure meeting you ma'am. If you are unable to find someone between now and then, please feel free to reach back out." Because if she truly just wants a warm body during the holidays, I can be that for someone. Even if I'm out of their league.
The Journey
Dec. 15th, 2025 02:31 pmehowtonDifferent perspectives are always interesting. A question I was asked was, "If you have a connection with someone, why not wait for them if what you have is real?" As if I would be missing out on the union of a lifetime otherwise. We were having conversations about our one true loves and what that looked like for each of us; things we've missed in the past, things we'd do differently, and lessons we've learned along the way that we would implement in our next relationships to promote sustainability and minimize heartache. Her's (I believe) was her first love, mine was my last. She wanted to know why I wouldn't wait.
I explained it like this, "Why would I wait to not be chosen?" Were there a prize at the end of waiting I totally would wait! But with zero indicator a potential future, the best any of us can do is create our own future in the interim. I don't hope for the best, I work to create the life I want with what I have available to me at the time. Pinning hopes on a future in which I play no part is no future at all.
As I alluded in my last post on the subject, if you're waiting to fall in love before you start your journey you may not get very far at all as that is one of many different ways to traverse life. Choose wisely.
On Being Vulnerable
Dec. 15th, 2025 11:03 amehowtonI ran across the quote, "If you can't choose me with clarity, you don't get access to me with convenience," and think I finally understood what everyone has been trying to convey: I am making myself emotionally available to those who would not do the same. This would fall under reciprocity, or in this case, a lack thereof. I was recently discussing accidentally discovering I wasn't quite where I needed to be in order to progress further despite the leaps and bounds in which I've recovered, and I put it like this: I will give up control within the safety of a relationship as I do not require control, but outside a relationship giving up control - being vulnerable - isn't something I wish to do again, so I am hyper-aware, and that hyper-awareness comes at a cost. To be clear, I don't wish to be hyper-aware, but I also acknowledge a desire to protect myself. And yet I wonder if I could've prevented this state of extremes had I just been more...I dunno, cautious at the onset.
Had I been however, would I have truly been able to feel? To experience? To love? Perhaps it is only within that vulnerable state in which we get the opportunity to expand our mind, body and soul. I've dated people before with whom I've aligned and fallen in love. I've dated and not fallen in love. But to already be in love and then be able to date? How wonderful. And also how tragic when it doesn't come to pass.
To some on the outside looking in at my life, I know it appears as if I live an unimaginably joyful life of ease. To others, a Shakespearean comedy. But when I asses for myself, I see both as two acts within the tragedy of the play itself, where I am nothing more than a puppet being strung around stage at the hands of a series of cruel marionettes.
Dopamine
Dec. 13th, 2025 01:52 pmehowtonFound as a comment on LessWrong:
Dopamine might be what regulates top-down, "will-imposing" action.
Stimulants are great for increasing attention, motivation and mood. However, they also cause downregulation of dopamine receptors, thus potentially causing dependence and the opposite of the benefits when not taking them.
Some lesser-known ways to upregulate the dopaminergic system without (or with less of) this effect:
Aspirin (upregulates TH - dopamine synthesis): https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30187283/
Creatine (potentiates dopaminergics somehow): https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/22674968/
ALCAR (component of Monster drinks - upregulates D1 receptors): https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27975173/
Caffeine (upregulates D3, D5 receptors): https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4462609/
Sulbutiamine (upregulates D1 receptors): https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/10996447/ (a vitamin B1 derivative, a similar one (allithiamine) might be created by combining garlic (source of allicin) with conventional thiamine HCl)
vitamin D (increases GDNF, which increases survival of dopaminergic neurons): https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/29018141/
Thus, an easily available stack for improving attention might be Monster drink + vitamin D + Aspirin (and potentially some shredded garlic with thiamine HCl).
